An Unforgivable Love Story Read online

  I can feel the quiver of his breath against my skin and I’m instantly hyper aware of his presence.

  “Elyse. I ... I want to ... please … just let me kiss you.” His honeyed words run smooth in the space between our lips and my heart skips a beat.

  And God, I want him to kiss me. But the thought of Simon’s lips pressed against my skin and his fingertips skimming down my body force me to retreat.

  “I can’t.” The words barely escape my lips.

  I’m with Simon.

  Simon.

  Silently, Alex nods. I watch him stand and walk toward my door, collecting his messenger bag and his pride from the floor on his way. He places his hand on the knob and turns back to me with a wounded expression.

  “Aren’t you tired of pretending?”

  I narrow my eyes and knit my eyebrows together. “What are you talking about?”

  His shoulders slouch and he sighs, shaking his head. “You know … one of these days, Elyse, we are both finally going to recognize this.” He points his index finger at me and then back at himself. “And we will be together, exactly as we should’ve been for the past ten years.”

  I inhale sharply, thinking about what that means.

  And then watch the door close abruptly.

  “Oh my god! He actually told you that?” I have to pull the phone away from my ear as Olivia’s voice hits decibels reserved only for dogs in the neighborhood. I fight the growing smile on my face.

  I was one heartbeat away from kissing Alex Phinney. Oh, who am I kidding? It wouldn’t have stopped at a kiss. And I certainly shouldn’t be smiling about it.

  “Yeah,” I breathe into the phone, still in disbelief. Alex wasn’t even out the door for ten seconds before I had my hand on my cell phone, punching in Olivia’s digits. Her reaction is actually what I expected it to be. Mostly because it was the exact same reaction I had inside my head moments ago.

  “And what did you say?”

  “Nothing.” He caught me off guard. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to react to one of your lifelong best friends pouring out his heart?

  Olivia laughs incredulously. “But you still didn’t kiss him? I’m calling your bluff. No guy says that and walks away un-kissed.”

  “Really, Olivia? I’m with Simon. Had this moment happened six weeks ago, I would have jumped his bones faster than a horny teenager on prom night.”

  “You’re crazy. You should have straddled him right then and there and ridden him like he was Seabiscuit.”

  I laugh so hard my stomach hurts. “Oh, Olivia. I’m not crazy, just taken.”

  Olivia sighs in defeat. “All I’m saying is that I think you should reconsider. Finally allow yourself to give Alex a fighting chance.” She pauses, either for dramatic effect or for debating her next words. I’m not sure. “Do you know what he told me a few months ago when he was wasted at that rooftop party at Zed?”

  Ah, the internal debate. Glad to see she’s actually thinking before she speaks these days. Either way, this ought to be good. “Hmmm?”

  “He sat back and watched you half the night. When I finally had the chance to talk to him, I asked why he wasn’t being social. He simply said, ‘I don’t just notice Elyse when she’s around. I feel her missing when she’s not near me.’”

  “Stop it! He said nothing of the sort.” If she were sitting here with me, no doubt the back of my hand would have smacked her shoulder.

  “I swear to you, he did. Alex watches you with a look in his eyes that makes every other woman in the room want to be you.”

  “Olivia,” I scold, knowing that she’s full of shit. “That kind of detail is something you immediately spill to your best friend. You don’t keep that shit in your back pocket for a rainy day. Besides, he was drunk. He had no idea what he was talking about.”

  “Exactly. He was drunk. That’s how you know he’s telling the truth.”

  Ugh. She is impossible.

  “What kind of guy says that, Elyse? I’ll tell you what kind. A guy who has it bad for one of his best friends.”

  I look down at my thumb and see blood, not even realizing I’ve gnawed my cuticle raw.

  “All I’m saying is perhaps you could have both? Or at least a little taste of both while you decide which guy you truly want to be with.”

  I roll my eyes in disgust though a small part of me entertains her suggestion for a brief nanosecond. The thought of making out with Alex just once in my lifetime is beyond tempting, but it’s not something I’m capable of doing.

  I am faithful.

  Loyal.

  Being cheated on is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Except for maybe Jason. That asshole deserves to get exactly what he has given to me. But simply stated, I refuse to be that kind of woman. I, Elyse Keener, am the good girl.

  “I know who I want to be with,” I snap, effectively putting an end to this conversation. “It’s just not in the stars for Alex and me.”

  Six

  Let Go Lightly

  Tonight marks my seventh date with Simon, not including the night we first met, and he’s more chivalrous than I ever anticipated and more perfect than I ever could have imagined. His travel schedule for work makes it challenging for us to see each other as much as we’d like, but we’ve shared plenty of text messages and late night phone calls as we’re both curled up in bed on opposite sides of the country. I’m hoping to accompany him on an upcoming assignment to Mexico. Simon has already promised to extend our stay and relax on white sandy beaches as soft as silk. It sounds like absolute perfection if you ask me.

  But tonight’s date is different from our previous six dates. Normally, we hit up the trendy restaurants. They’re loud with a wait list that reads like the who’s who of the local elite. But this restaurant is understated. A hole in the wall, if you will. The food is quite good and the ambiance is a little too quiet for my liking, just like Simon is being a little too reserved this evening. Conversation typically flows as freely as wine when we’re together, but something is clearly weighing on his mind.

  I watch as he pushes a spear of asparagus mindlessly around on his plate. “Is everything okay, hun?” I hate knowing something is plaguing his mind and distracting him from our time together. We get so little of it, I want to make the most of every last second when we’re together.

  He swallows hard and his fork clanks loudly against his plate. “Elyse,” he pauses, taking a moment to look at his hands in his lap. “There’s something I want to tell you. Something you should know about me.”

  I place my fork down on the table and shift uncomfortably. Olivia’s words echo through my head. There’s something wrong with every guy. Some guys just hide it better than others. I guess I should be grateful that he wants to be so open and honest with me. I’ve been burned too many times before by secrets and lies, leaving scars that are all too visible to those who truly know me.

  “I want to be upfront with you about everything, about me. And I know that what I’m about to tell you is a deal breaker for a lot of women.”

  I hate that he’s worried and I find myself desperate to comfort him, bring relief. I extend my hand, palm up, toward him. He takes it in his and closes his eyes. He is obviously pained and I brace myself for some kind of heartache from what is about to transpire.

  “I’ve been married before.”

  His eyes pierce right through me as the words settle in.

  Married.

  Simon was married. Why is he just now telling me this? Isn’t this the kind of detail that comes out on the first or second date?

  A tinge of jealousy cinches my heart, and my stomach drops at the thought of him intimate and in love with another woman. Knowing that he gave himself to her day in and day out. That some part of him is probably still in love with her. You can’t just turn that kind of emotion on and off like a faucet.

  Married … shit.

  That is a deal breaker. I’m not sure I have it in me to deal with any crazy ex-wives. I’m too
young to have to deal with that kind of dramatic baggage. Plus, I’m not sure I can be with someone who subscribes to the notion of divorce. When I get married, I plan on doing it one time. How can I expect any partner of mine to be in it for the long haul when he’s foregone his vows, his commitment, to another? How can I trust he wouldn’t do that to me? Can I really be with someone who doesn’t value marriage the same way I do?

  “When did you two separate?” I try to hide the caution in my voice.

  Simon’s eyes turn glassy as they collect tears. He looks down and shakes his head. “She died … Her name was Carolyn.” It barely comes out as a whisper.

  I pull my hand back and cover my mouth. My heart shatters for his broken heart. I can’t even begin to fathom losing a spouse.

  “It’s not something I talk about to be honest, but I wanted you to know. She is … was … part of me, and I just needed to lay it all on the line for you. Even though she’s gone, I can’t think of myself as a widower. I hate that fucking word.”

  “Oh my god … I’m so sorry.” I place my hand back down on the table and reach out for his. He traces his fingertips lightly over my palm before he grabs it and gives me a reassuring squeeze. The silence between us is comforting and terrifying and heartbreaking all at once.

  I study his face as he internally fights to regain composure. He withdraws his hand and cracks his knuckles, a habit I’ve only recently noticed. Simon says nothing as he shifts his eyes back down to his half-eaten plate of food.

  I’m not exactly sure what the protocol is for a moment like this. A million questions race through my mind, and I should know better than to press for details, especially when I’m not sure how raw he’s feeling. But still … I have to know more.

  “Do you want to tell me about her?” I ask gently. I want to know things about her. To know Simon is to know his wife. The woman who came before me. The woman he will inevitably love until the day he dies. I can’t help but let those deep-seeded insecurities bubble up deep inside. Can I, deep down, allow myself to fall in love him when he will forever love another woman? The woman I could never replace …

  Not that I want to. But those feelings he carries just don’t turn off.

  “I do, just not right now.”

  I silently nod, but I need to know more. If he’s still suffering from her loss, I can’t allow myself to get in too deep because there’s no way my heart can be crushed twice in a lifetime. I can’t be his crutch, the next woman to help him ease the pain of what could have been before he moves on with his life.

  “How long …?” I trail off, my voice turning feeble when his broken eyes meet mine. I feel tears start to pool in my eyes as my stomach knots.

  “Nearly two years ago.” Simon looks back down at his plate and turns reverent. I wish I could take away some of his pain. Give him some reprieve.

  “Do you have any children?” The words spill from my mouth before I even realize I’ve asked the question. How very uncouth of me.

  Simon’s lips press together and he shakes his head no. I can’t tell if that means he wanted them or not, but I don’t press for answers. “She was pregnant when she died. I … I lost them both.”

  I gasp softly, trying to make the pieces fit together in my mind. How does something so tragic, so unfair, happen to such a wonderful individual?

  “A car accident.” He answers my unspoken question in an uncertain voice. “She was coming home from a girls night out and the roads were icy. She spun out of control and the car flipped. They told me she died on impact. That she didn’t feel a thing … and for that I am grateful. I can’t even begin to imagine her suffering … slowly dying knowing that she was killing our child as she died, too.”

  And just like that, my heart splinters into a million little pieces for the man before me. For the life he had planned. For the love he lost. For the child he never knew. For all of the birthdays and Christmas mornings and summertime family baseball outings he’ll never get to experience. And I feel silly for ever thinking I could be his crutch. But rather, I want to be his rock and I want to shoulder some of this pain. He should never have to feel this alone.

  “After she passed away, I boxed up everything. Her clothes, photographs, even her favorite dishtowels. It’s all packed away in storage. Part of me hates myself for locking up the memories of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to exist in a world surrounded by everything she touched and not have her in it. It was too hard. And some days it still is too hard. It hurt too damn much. I just … I couldn’t do it.”

  I know that feeling all too well, but I can’t bring myself to admit that.

  Simon watches me carefully, curious for my reaction as I sit there, stunned.

  “I’m so sorry.” I’m not even certain I say the words aloud, but every fiber of my being aches for the pain and loss he has endured.

  “I’ve since realized that life is all about holding on tightly and letting go lightly. There are no guarantees, so you have to live each day giving everything you have. But you also have to be ready to let go so you don’t live a life full of regret.”

  I gaze at him fondly. For the clarity he’s gained in spite of tragedy. For his appreciation for life and learning to love again.

  “Thank you for telling me,” I say softly.

  He cocks his head and delivers the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. “Look, the last thing I want is for you to feel sorry for me. Everything happens for a reason, life, death and everything in between. I just want to be open and honest with you. And I’m telling you all of this because I don’t want this … us … to be just a flash in the pan. I need you to know the real me, and that means all of the weight of my past that comes with it.

  “The night we met, a few of my buddies had been begging me to go out and just cut loose. I hadn’t really been out since she passed away. And I certainly never expected to meet anyone. Though I’m undoubtedly glad I did.” He smiles at me.

  “But I want you to know that my wife was an incredible woman. When she passed away, I thought I had died, too. I honestly believed I no longer had a reason to live. I’d go through the motions because that was what I was supposed to do, not because I wanted to. But strangely, I’d like to believe that when she passed away she knew I’d be okay one day. That I’d find someone to love again. And if I’m being entirely honest, I think she brought you into my life the night we met. It was as if she hand-picked you out of everyone in the city. Hell, in the whole world. She was the kind of woman who would want me to find happiness again. To continue living. Continue loving. Continue growing into the man I’m destined to be. I may have died the day she left this earth, but it was you who brought me back to life, Elyse.”

  I reach out and grab his hand, holding onto it tightly like it’s my talisman and nod with a smile I can feel in my eyes. On some level, I feel like I should be uncomfortable listening to him talk about his wife with such reverence and admiration. But I’m not. I know what he means, feeling like you’ve died. Jason’s actions killed me emotionally, and up until now I’ve refused to let anyone in.

  “Simon …” I whisper, wanting to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything will be all right.

  “But you’re not her and I refuse to compare two remarkable women who I am lucky enough to have known. And I say that in the best way you can imagine. Where she had an inner light, you have this indescribable radiance that illuminates my world and brought me out from the darkness. Where she made me feel her emotions, you pull the emotion out of me. I know this is a lot to take in, Elyse, but I want to see where this goes. I don’t want to be with anyone else …”

  “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” My cheeks flush scarlet and I can’t help but feel flattered even though we were just talking about his wife two seconds ago. Strangely, it doesn’t feel as weird as it should.

  Simon looks down at the table and laughs softly at his hands. “You make it sound so juvenile … but yeah. I want you to be mine and no one else’s.”

&nb
sp; “Yes … One million times, yes,” I respond without a moment of hesitation.

  I kneel on the seat of the booth and lean over the table to kiss him softly, sealing my fate with this man for whatever comes our way. I instantly feel one hundred pounds lighter. He is mine. And I am his. For as long as we feel this way and maybe beyond that.

  When I pull back, he seems relieved and grateful for my reaction. “Thank you, for listening and accepting me as I am. People can be so judgmental sometimes.”

  I’m uncertain why he thinks I’d judge him being a widower. He has no doubt known more pain and suffering than I ever have. “Everyone has a past, Simon. Granted, mine is not nearly as heavy as yours, but still … Everybody has gone through some kind of hell.”

  I hate that I can’t think of a better word to describe his baggage. I hate that it sounds like I’m minimizing the loss of his wife because I’m not. And I hate that I need to come clean about Jason. It’s not something I talk about, but listening to him pour his heart out and talk about love and loss gives me the strength to let him into this guarded part of my soul.

  “Sometimes you have to walk through hell to appreciate heaven when it’s right in front of you, Elyse.” He looks at me with conviction and determination. And that’s exactly what this man is: my heaven. My own personal sanctuary that has saved me from myself and from all my insecurities.

  “What about you? What’s your hell?”

  With how open he has been with me, I can’t possibly deny him that same respect. But how do you tell the man you’re falling for that your mind and heart is forever tainted because of a man who came before him? A man who you should technically be married to and living that quintessential life with in a high rise downtown? A man who has no doubt ruined you and deeply instilled the seed of doubt for every other potential relationship down the line.

  I take a deep breath and fidget with the napkin in my lap, eyes focused on the table. “His name was Jason Brinkmann. And he left me for my cousin Aimee three days before we were to be married.” I haven’t so much as spoken his name in years, but it still tastes sour on my tongue.